The Adventures of Aaron Van Dell: Human Teenager
by Josephus Prime
Summary: Hi, My name is Aaron Van Dell, and I'm trapped in World of Warcraft.
1. Hi Aaron

Hi, I'm Aaron Van Dell, and I'm a World of Warcraft Addict.

Anyone ever played World of Warcraft?

No? Really??

It's actually a very fun game. Not just nerds can enjoy it. Hell, I'm on _Varsity Boxing_ in my High School and I'm addicted to the damn thing. Well, I _was_ on Varsity, but then this shit happened.

I got trapped in my addiction.

Sure, it may SOUND fun, but its not. If you've ever played World of Warcraft, you know how messed up you can get by a lil' amphibious bastard called a "Murloc".

Never heard of them either, eh? Be thankful. The noise they make is unbearably annoying. They're basically just big-ass piranhas with swords, arms and legs. They are also extremely lethal and will swarm you like wolves if you get too close.

Just my luck that they're the first things I run into after being stuck here. Man, God must be laughing his holy ass off at me right now. I swear, every time I have a bad day, it's the Big Guy messing with me because He's bored. Just today, my parents told me they were getting divorced, I found out my girlfriend (cough bitch cough whore cough) was cheating on me, I fell in a puddle and hit my head on a tree, I nearly got strangled by The Lich King himself (In all his spiky, scary, ice cold glory), I fell in the _same_ damn puddle _again_, and I think I got a hangnail. All in that order. Oh, and I got my ass stuck here. He must be seriously bored out of his mind.

Hi, my names Aaron Van Dell, and I'm trapped in World of Warcraft.

Hi, Aaron.


	2. Into the Woods

So, Yeah, I woke up this morning….I think it's a Tuesday. My bad day's are always on Tuesdays. It's the day God takes time out of his oh-so busy schedule to screw with me.

No, seriously! Every time something bad happens to me, it's a Tuesday! The cat died on a Tuesday , my dog died on a Tuesday, Hell, last Tuesday my mom's goldfish bit the bullet. I also fail miserably at subjects I know I should get and…Well, you get the point.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, I wake up, get through the shower, and I'm just observing my reflection and-

Oh, sorry, but I forgot to tell you what I look like didn't I?

Well, I'm a 6'5" 17 year-old, I'm built like a boxer (cause I am one), and I've got scruffy long brown hair. Seriously, it looks like I inherited hair from a collie. Course, my hair only goes down to my ears but it gets in my face A LOT.

Anyway, I got changed into a white t-shirt with a skull with a pair of drumsticks crossed behind it instead of bones on the front. Hard Rock Café' Rocks, man. Next are my dark cargo pants. Now I, unlike all my friends, use ALL my pockets. Seriously. Paperclips, rubber bands, notes,-I got a pocket for each. So as I'm tying my boots, I notice that my mom did not call up to me in I'm sure what SHE thought was a kind and polite manner like she does everyday. Usually right now, everyone in the vicinity hears this:

"AARON MARCUS VAN DELL, GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE BEFORE I HAVE TO YANK IT TO SCHOOL MYSELF!!!"

Ah, there it is. She's so nice, isn't she?

"COMING MOM!!! Jeez…"

So I grab my bag, get my ass downstairs (per mothers orders), and I see my folks sitting at the table looking pretty dumped about something. So as I get my cereal, I'm thinking, 'What the heck is wrong with them? As far as I know, Mom and Dad are doing fine at work. I'm doing okay at school. Did dad's turtle die or something?' I sit down and start munching on my cereal, and I notice my folks giving me pained looks. Finally, after a solid minute of that, I give. "Alright, what's wrong with you two?"

"Aaron…" my mom starts, "We just want you to know that…well, we love you very much and-"

"Meredith, let me do it." My dad interrupts.

My mom groans. "Fine Harry, go right ahead. Just interrupt me trying to explain something to our son. AGAIN."

"Well fine, you go." My dad snapped back.

"Oh no! By all means, YOU go."

"Guys!" I yell. "Exactly what is wrong with you two _this_ time!?"

They give each other that look. You know, that look that just says, Oh shit, looks like we gotta do this even though we're gonna really regret it.

Uh oh. This would not end pretty.

"Aaron," My Dad says, "Your mother and I have talked it over and…well…we're…"

"We're getting a divorce, Aaron." My mom finishes. Well, it was at this point that I swear I went into some form of a shock. I stopped with a spoonful of cereal halfway to my mouth. As my parents argued in front of me, I didn't even hear them. Not even faintly.

I never spoke once. I just got up, grabbed my messenger bag, and walked away. All the while my parents too busy fighting to notice. Are they f**king serious!? How could they do this without asking me!? Oh SURE, just decide to split without asking your kid!

For one small instant as I stepped outside, I felt grateful knowing that at least I had Lindsey (my (NOW EX, THE _SKANK_) girlfriend) to help me.

Boy, was I wrong.

I hate Tuesdays. I've mentioned that right? I have? Well, there's another reason. The _Weather_. It gets all dark and cloudy most Tuesdays, like it's gonna rain. But it never does. And I always waste my time trying to get some protection from the rain which NEVER COMES. So, today, I skipped out on the rain gear. Of, course, I was distracted, so that may not count as forethought. But I digress.

Anyway, I'm waling to where the bus is, and for once in my life, it's on time.

I guess that's what that little _slut_ was counting on.

I see the bus pull up, and I look in the window to where Lindsey and I usually sit. We have our own little row. It's actually how we met.

Traitorous little-

Sorry, folks I'm getting off track.

So I look to see Lindsey, and I see her. I also see another guy with her. And they're Frenching. In OUR ROW.

Well, to be honest I thought that's when things couldn't get any worse for me.

Aaand cue the thunder.

KRAKOOOOM.

RIGHT as I thought that there was this huge rumble of thunder and it started raining. And I'm not talking about some spring shower. I'm talking _deluge_. It was a frickin _monsoon. _

Good day for rain gear, huh?

I guess the thunder startled her a bit. She looked up and glanced around, and then those almond eyes fall on ME. Well, she was shocked. The guy didn't even care. He just kept trying to pull her back down, not even noticing me standing there, his eyes locked on her face.

Needless to say, I was one pissed teen.

I literally felt something snap inside my brain. I dunno what exactly happened (I think I can figure out why easily enough) but the next second I'm just running off into the woods behind my house. I thought I heard someone call my name, but I ignored it. I just kept going.

This is the part where stuff gets totally FUBAR. For those of you who don't know what that means, I will translate it as "Frakked Up Beyond All recognition".

Come to think of it, everything that would follow that was FUBAR.

I dunno how long I ran or how far, but I finally stopped when I tripped in a large puddle and fell to the ground. My head hit a tree as I went down, and I went down HARD. Good thing there was mud all over the ground, or I'd be boned. As I picked myself up, I wiped the mud from my face. Then I felt something odd. A strange cold was creeping over me. Not like temperature, but this cold, sick feeling in my gut. I was like something evil was coming towards me. I looked down and saw this cold mist beginning to coat the ground. Then the sound reached my ears. The clanking of moving armor and someone breathing aloud. Then the footsteps stopped and I looked up.

My first thought was 'No freaking' way', which I vocalized. Standing before me was the Darth Vader of Warcraft, Prince Arthas, AKA The Lich King. He was coated from head to foot in spiky dark armor, and his sword Frostmourne was in his hand. He looked down at me as I spoke and snorted.

"_Oh, Yes, way, little one." _He said in a cold voice, and raised his sword.

I freaked. I jumped up and ran like crazy, Frostmourne coming down right on the spot where my head had been. Arthas-Er, The Lich King-roared and started after me, crashing through the trees behind me.

My first thoughts about getting the hell out of there were replaced with another thought.

How the f**k did a character from a video game get here? Then I realized that it had to be a hallucination.

"Well, fantastic," I murmured, "I'm going crazy."

A pillar of ice and cold came crashing down in front of me. I stumbled back and fell flat on my ass. As the bastard king loomed down at me with his bastard sword, I heard him chuckle.

"_You fail to escape from me, boy. Now stand and FIGHT!!" _And he brought Frostmourne down again towards my head.

Naturally this gave me an opening and I acted on impulse. I rolled into the strike and thrust my fist into where his chin was supposed to be. Of course, the guy was wearing a helmet so, yeah, it kinda sorta hurt. There was this clang as metal met fist and The Lich King stumbled back, obviously shaken. I, on the other hand, shook my fist harshly. That had HURT. A _LOT_.

"_Annoyance!!" _ He screamed, _"Insect!!! I'll have your head yet!!!"_

Well, I couldn't run from this guy. And my life was over anyway, so, I took up a boxing position and said the first cool line that came to mind.

"Come and get it, Frosty." That was a mistake.

"_Frosty!? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!?"_He roared in his soulless voice, and then he charged. He brought Frostmourne around, swinging it like a baseball bat, and I ducked. I felt the cold draft from the blade as it whooshed over my head.

It was NOT a pretty feeling.

I rolled to the side as the sword came down again. As I got up and ran off into the woods again, I heard him cackle. _"Run all you want, coward! But I _WILL_ have your head on a pike!!!" _He roared. There was this whoosh and a pillar of ice shot over my head. I stopped and hid behind a tree.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT WITH ME!?" I yelled. I had kinda figured that if I was going crazy, I might as well roll with it. But then his icy breath on my face made me wish I _wasn't _going bananas. He didn't even answer. The Lich King just brought his sword back up, and-

CLANG!!!

I couldn't even believe my luck. I opened my eyes slowly to see another blade in the way of Frostmourne. I recognized it. It was long and purple, with a crescent shape and jagged edges. There was only one person who used something like that.

Illidan Stormrage, the betrayer of the night elves and half-demon, leered at me from behind his blindfold, one of his two blades blocking Arthas' strike.

"Run, pinkskin." He said simply. The next thing I knew, the woods had erupted with the sounds of a warground. Those two were going at it like it was some epic fight in the end of a movie.

Needless to say, I got the F**k outta there.

I began to run like a madman, trees flashing by me. The sounds of battle began to fade slightly as I ran. Too bad I didn't catch onto the fact I was running back the same way I came.

My foot nailed a branch and I felt my sefl fall. Oh, that's JUST what I needed, to get more wet!!

But then the surface of the puddle shattered like glass. I had enough time to wonder "What the-" before I was pulled out of my world and towards god-knows-where.

Yeah. Life's a bitch like that.


	3. The Sword and the Seaside

I felt myself falling though space and time, as easily as if I was falling asleep. I remained speechless as worlds began and ended in an instant as I lived and died a thousand times. Time didn't exist, and I was the smallest and largest thing in the universe. This must be what it felt like to be God.

NOT!

What, you were expecting some poetic shit? What I experienced was agonizing, nightmarish, and a little bit violating.

Seriously. What really happened was I felt like being squeezed into a toilet. It has gotta the first time in human history someone has felt sorry for a turd. I was squished and pulled through a blue abyss. I couldn't breathe, I thought I was gonna die of asphyxiation.

Aaaaand then that thing shot me out like a baseball player spits out sunflower seed shells. I landed on my stomach on the ground. Hard.

I lay still for a few minutes, trying to deal with the pain. Honestly, it felt like I had just ejected out of the seat of a friggin' roller coaster. Now I know how those aliens felt at Roswell. As I sat up, I looked up at the woods.

They seem more open, more bright, seething with some unforeseen power. The leaves were stained red and orange with the colors of autumn, and sunlight burned through the branches.

Insert Dorothy's "Not in Kansas" line from "Wizard of Oz" here.

I stood up, wiping the dirt from my pants. The air seemed almost…alive. It seemed heavy with some sort of intangible, natural energy. Sort of like sunlight. You know it's there and you can feel it on your skin, you just can't see it.

Yeah, there's your poetic shit for ya.

Whatever this force was, I was soon forced to drop my thoughts on it and start considering a classic maneuver called GTFO.

The puddle exploded, evaporating out of existence, as a massive figure shot upwards. It's great wings spread as it feel lot the ground, great hooves making the grass and dead leaves shudder. I took two steps back as Illidan Stormrage took one massive step forward. The demonic night elf sneered down at me, warm breath furling out of his nostrils as he snorted like a pissed off bull.

"Quit cowering, pinkskin," Illidan said, spitting out the name like it was poison on his tongue, "you'd know if I wanted to kill you."

I stood still, ready to fight this bastard off too, if I had to. Well, strictly speaking, I didn't fight the Lich King off, Illidan did it for me, so….yeah…

But he was right. This guy was part demon and could probably have torn me limb from limb by the time I'd taken up a stance. That, and this guy had saved my ass from the Lich King. I hope the reason wasn't just so that he could gut me himself. I liked my intestines right where they were, thank you very much.

Anyway, he just snorted again and took another step forward, his worn black hoof crushing the leaves below him.

"As much as I would like to place your severed head on a spear," Illidan snarled with an almost hungry grin, his fist clenching, "I need you alive if my plans are to advance."

There was silence for a few minutes. Then, with all the knowledge of the English language I had, only one word, two simple syllables, seemed adequate.

"Bullshit." The demon grinned at my response. He seemed almost amused by it.

Man, what an asshole.

"I assure you, pinkskin," Illidan said in a low, dangerous voice, "I wouldn't be here if I didn't need to. You, in fact, wouldn't either." He held out his hand, palm upright, and dark purple energy began to spiral in a small tornado just above the hand.

Then it exploded outward, the wind vanishing, and my jaw dropped.

A sword, sitting silently in its sheath, spun slowly in the air (Alliteration much?). The pommel had a small, fake skull on it made of marble. Four more were on the guard, one on each side. The grip was black leather, part of the cloth still hanging loose. The blade was about 2 feet long from tip to pommel. The sheath was a blend of black and purple, with bright gold trim around the mouth. A thin gold line went all the way to the bottom, where the tip was coated in a small triangle of gold.

"Do you know what this is, boy?" The demon snarled as he lifted up the open hand the sword spun over. The skulls glistened brightly in the light.

"A very sexy sword?" Another snort from Illidan. I swear, this guy must have breathing issues. Or Asthma. More likey? ASS-ma. HA! Take, THAT, you Teletubbie reject! I hope you-

"This sword is the undoing of the Lich King, and it has marked you as its wielder."

-…What.

"WHAT!"

Illidan winced and scratched out his ear with his pinky. "Oh, please, DO try to be louder. I'm certain the Bastard King would just LOVE to find you again, and I'll guarantee you that I won't be around to save your sorry hide this time."

I gulped. Loudly.

As much as I hated to admit it, the purple people eater here had a point. If he hadn't been there to save my ass, I probably would be the Lich King's new favorite decoration. And I liked all my organs right where they were, thank you very much.

I raised a hand and took the sword by the middle of its sheath. My fingers tightened around the black and purple holder as I lifted it off of its position above Illidan's claw. I held it flat in my palms, looking over the sheath. I'm not sure why, but the hair on my neck stood up. The sword was loaded with the same kind of buzz that existed in the woods.

I heard a small chuckle and looked up.

Illidan had vanished.

A small wind rolled over me as I looked around the woods again. Where the hell was I? With a sigh, I strapped the sword onto my back and closed my eyes. I placed a finger in my mouth and raised it to the air, checking the direction of the wind. It was a weak wind, but it was there. Too bad I didn't have a compass.

A sound reached my ears over the wind: The tell-tale trickle of running water. I gave a sigh of relief as I turned to follow the sound. The easiest way to find civilization was to follow the water. Just about every big civilization started near water, like Rome or Cairo.

Thank you, Mr. Hughes' World History class.

It didn't take long before I found a small brook. It winded down the woodland and out of sight. It seemed to get slower as it moved to the east. I could almost make out the outline of a wooden bridge downriver. Hopefully, that meant there was a lake or pond that way, and people frequently came by.

After a while a scent reached my nose, one that I recognized from endless summers on the beach. Salt water, and that meant there was a sea nearby. Hopefully, there would be some kind of settlement there. I chuckled to myself, approaching a grassy hill. The sounds of the sea were just beyond. "And lo," I joked to nobody, imitating a dramatic bible reading, "When he cameth over the hill, he beheld a mighty fishing town!"

I took my first look over the hill and gaped.

Huts. The beach was lined with _little tiny huts on struts._ I took the sight in before I looked at the heaven. "And lo, the hero was transported home! And was rich!"

I waited for a second. Two seconds. Thirty. "Sunnova-"

"Grwlrlrlr." My chest hit the earth so fast, I'm sure I bruised a rib (AND got dirt all over my favorite cargo pants!). That sound, that HORRID SOUND. Only one foul creature in all of existence-one fictional, but albeit vile breed of fiend-made such a fowl guttural growl.

I took a peek over the peak (Heh, I'm good) of the hill, and my worst fears were realized.

Imagine a piraña's head, freshly cut from its body, but still filled with sharp teeth and eyes with an evil light to them. Now imagine a pair of tiny, bone-thin arms attached to it, and a pair of webbed, clawed feet. Then imagine it in several colors, shapes, and sizes, and all of them having a metric crapload of offspring. THEN imagine them being on the same level of the food chain as good old me.

You would have a Murloc, the coastal killers of Azeroth.

I slid down the hill, flipping onto my back.

I had suspected it before, but now… now my worst suspicions had come to life.

I, Aaron Van Dell, human teenager, was trapped in the World of Warcraft.

As all the evidence came together in my mind, as the true terror of my situation came crashing down on me, as my very life was set on the line, I let loose the one thought that could sum up the the endless suck that was my current situation.

"…BALLS."


End file.
